Just as I was downloading Tinder
and taking off my top
to pose for one of those ‘accidentally naked’ selfies,
I learned what will happen if I do.
Well done Gareth Saunders. Well done….. Cradle of Fear. Where do I even begin to review Cradle of Fear? For those of you who are new to this page, the idea behind ‘Challenge Kayleigh’ centres around the claim I made that I can write a positive review of ANY horror movie, you know, because of all my horror love. You guys pick the films, I watch them and then tell you why they’re awesome, and why you’re wrong if you don’t like them. However… this one almost got me
On my first viewing, I only got halfway through. The heavy background music and all the boobs dazzled me. I felt like I was being double-bass'd in the temple and motor-boated in my pupils simultaneously. I sighed heavily and thought, wow. This reminds me of what I imagined an awesome nightlife to look like when I was a goth-wannabe in college.
At this point I feel I should clarify something – actual goths are cool. I dig their style, creativity, individuality, and daaaaaaaamn, kudos on those make-up skills. However, a ‘goth-wannabe’, which is what I once was, is a different creature. In my case, it meant telling everyone that I ‘wouldn’t conform to societies norms, man’, whilst styling myself on Amy Lee from Evanescence and wearing black lipstick everywhere. I thought I was super cool when I bought a sort of stubby bracelet thing. I made fun of people for being into such mainstream bands as N*Sync, and then went off to play my Best of Marilyn Manson CD on repeat. I wore two pairs of tights at a time, stripy with fishnets over the top. In fact, I even turned a pair of fishnet tights into sleeves. I thought I looked so individual and awesome. Oh yeah, I was that guy.
On first viewing of Cradle of Fear, I actually thought, ‘shit’. I thought, 'I’m going to have to admit defeat on this one and send Gareth a prize for besting me with this'. I thought I would have to declare to the world that watching this film is like having the embarrassing, goth-wannabe, teenage you being spewed back into your eyeballs. But then… I gave it another shot.
So (spoilers), it’s an anthology movie containing four separate stories of various debaucheries, but they’re all linked by a totally badass, satanic, demon angel summoning, douchebag called Kemper (David McEwen). He’s got a vendetta you see, he’s using his evil Satan power to kill off the list of people responsible for his incarceration. He’s a mean piece of work. That’s the overarching plot right there, is what that is.
When I gave this movie my full attention I realised that with each of the four stories, *gasp* there were valuable lessons to be learned! Pull up a chair and pay attention folks, because these lessons are seriously useful. Like, if it wasn’t for this movie and it’s really serious undertones and warnings, I might like, be dead or something
Story number one plonks us in a heavy metal club (with Cradle of Filth blaring in the background, of course. Awesome if you’re a COF fan). Our main character is a super hot goth girl wearing an outfit that’s straight out of the very best fetish porn, and she’s eyeing up the angel of death dude, played by Dani Filth. She’s a regular, single woman and decides to use her right to ‘go on the pull’, as it were. She gets Filth back home, where some totally normal sexy stuff starts happening (booooooobs). For a moment there, I was all like ‘hey, this is inspiring. I’m a single woman, I might just go out and catch me a penis, because liberation and equal rights’, but OH GOD NO!!! THAT’S WRONG!!! WOMEN OF THE WORLD DON’T DO IT! As soon as the sexy shit starts to go down, all f**kery breaks loose, there are demon faces and weird tentacles and shit. I mean, seriously guys, that was a close one. Just as I was downloading Tinder and taking off my top to pose for one of those ‘accidentally naked’ selfies, I learned what will happen if I do.
Not sure if it is a sexy Goth chick or that bloke from The Mighty Boosh
Ladies of the world, listen up – if you engage in casual sex, the dude will turn out to be a demon and you’ll spend the next hour, like the woman in the movie, in the shower trying to scrub the Filth away. AND THEN, you’ll seek comfort in your friend, she’ll mistake your abdominal pain for an invitation into your pants and when she tries to get her frisk on, she’ll have her fingers ripped off and you’ll both end up killed by the demon spawn, who, bearing remarkable resemblance to a confused face hugger, will burst out of your guts and kill the f**k out of you.
Phew. Lock those vaginas up girls and save that shit for marriage, yo.
PS. The death scene is pretty cool in a sort of funny way. Ooh, and previous to that, in a chatty scene between the girls, it appears that there’s a boom or something in shot. Let me assure you now though, that it most certainly isn’t a boom mic, or any sort of unintentional technical whoopsie. Due to the nature of the movie, I have deduced that the offending object is clearly Satan’s dick just edging it’s way into the shot, ready to poke out the eye of any female who dares look at it before the wedding.
To clarify – lesson number one is don’t have casual sex. Lesson number two is don’t go lesbian on your pal.
The punishment for both is certain, bloody death. Story number two presents us with two more hot ladies who, for no apparent reason, have lovely underwear on. The short of it is, they go to rob a dude at his apartment. The usual horror conventions are employed here; power is out, dark staircase, creepy music, etc. They find the cash, and then, oh no, what’s this?! The dude is actually home, but somehow didn’t wake up when they were rifling through his shit. The logical reaction, of course, is for one of the girls to bash his head in with what looks like a heavy bong. Actually, if it is a bong then that totally explains why he was passed out for so long whilst he was being robbed. Anywho, it takes a few kills to… kill.. him. Hmmm. And that’s lesson number three right there everyone – smoking drugs gives you the power to not die. I didn’t say it – the movie did.
That’s my interpretation.
That’s what I learned here.
The media is a powerful tool
There are zombies in this one a few minutes later. Cool. Also, everyone ends up dead, so there’s the next lesson, number four: girls, don’t trust your bestie when there’s cash involved because she might murder yo ass.
Story 3 is about a rich dude with an amputated leg, who can’t be intimate with his woman due to his insecurities. She loves him, of course, but he can’t see past what he considers to be an unattractive fault. It’s actually a bit heart wrenching, and you feel for them both. But guys… guys… here’s lesson number five… did you know that like, enough money can buy you anything?! F**ked off with his mental block about f**king, the guy just pops to a doctor and it’s confirmed that he can just GET A NEW HUMAN LEG. It can just be sewn on! Did you know that? That’s amazing! I never knew that if you loose a leg, then who gives a shit, no big deal, because you can just have another popped on! ERMERGERD this film is serrrr erdercertionerl. This part of the movie has a pretty nice Tales from the Crypt feel to it, kind of that old-school comedy/horror thing. It ends in disaster of course. Which leads me to lesson number six: don’t try to get a new leg for sex. Don’t do anything because of wanting to do a sex, because, well, someone will die. I’m pretty sure the Bible warned us about this sort of thing, but for those who aren’t familiar, this movie serves as a useful, educational tool to promote living a decent, yet unsatisfying, life. Lesson number seven is also embedded in this segment, and it’s this – if you’re poor then you must be a slob, and if you’re a slob who drinks tea from a pint glass then you don’t deserve to keep both of your legs.
…………….. Oh my god. There was this one time… I drank some alcohol concoction from a vase *narrows eyes and looks around, clutching legs to chest*.
The final story in the movie was my favourite by far, and in my opinion, the premise of it would make a pretty decent full-length feature. It’s different from the other three in that it mostly lacks the comical aspects (with the exception of some intentional irony), and it’s pretty dark. I won’t say too much about this as I genuinely wouldn’t want to ruin this part for you – it’s much better if you don’t know what’s happening. It’s about a dude who has an unhealthy obsession on the internet, and it leads him to some super deep, dark places. His obsession results in him losing everything, and then… a thing. A thing happens, and it’s awesome.
Lesson eight, from this segment, is…… don’t fantasise too much. Because your fantasy will lead to your death. Sorted.
All of these installments are punctuated by snippets of the main storyline (remember the Satanist dude Kemper I mentioned at the start?), and the Inspector who is trying to stop him. In the end, evil triumphs. The End.
But wait….. it doesn’t have to triumph! Evil only triumphs when things are done in the name of rubbing genitals together and going ‘ooooohhhh ahhhhh’ and perhaps, ‘you’re on the pill, right?’. All we have to do to stop this happening for real is never touch each other again. Sigh. You’re welcome guys. You’re welcome. So that’s Cradle of Fear. Next?
KAYLEIGH MARIE EDWARDS
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