Ginger Nuts of Horror
I like to think that I’m a man’s man. You know the sort, big strong, not afraid of anything. The sort of man who, when faced with danger turns into the all action hero ready to defeat whatever danger is facing those that he loves. And I would like to think that I’m pretty capable of doing this sort of thing, as an ex British kickboxing champion, someone who knows how to handle a firearm, and dab hand at survival skills all topped off with an anger and a rage that will see me go all Berserker on those that threaten me I reckon that if faced with almost any sort of horror monster I would come out top. However there is one thing that I am terrified of, one bogey man that can turn me into a quivering wreck. What is it? Well read on to find out what scares The Ginger Nuts of Horror
Lets cross of the usual subjects first. Freddy, you're just a cretin with who mixed some cutlery in with your dirty washing. Jason, I come from a country that plays shinty we don't need such things as hockey masks to protect our dainty little faces. Pinhead, I’ve got just the claw hammer for your pasty white face.
However there is one thing that I am petrified off, one thing that most of you will think is pretty funny, but please believe me, these things are so terrifying they have and will always send me into a catatonic state of quaking fear.
What is this terrifying beast? Is it The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog? No
Is it the All-devouring Halitosis Hydra? No
is it the Wailing Parrot of the Maelstrom? No
So what can this beast be?
I’ll tell you but please don’t blame me if this scars you for life…. It’s NUNS!!!
These vile, evil mistresses of terror have the power to reduce a six foot (if I stand on my tip toes) gruff man into a quivering mass of jelly. Don’t let their nice, warm smiles and the polite demeanour fool you, they are out to get me, and if they are out to get me they are out to get you. Trust me the Nun that lived under my bed at my mother’s house would tell me this every night.
Most of you will think that I’m crazy, some of you will even be thinking that clowns are way scarier. Well you're wrong, wrong and wrong again. Not about the general craziness, of that I’m totally messed up. You see clowns aren’t really that scary. Who could be scared of a prat in a pair of MC Hammer pants? What’s the worst they can do make you have an orgy in a storm drain to defeat their evil ways? Make a scary penis shaped balloon animal? Naw, this sort of stuff doesn’t scare me. Christ they wear make-up, there are women in Newcastle who look far scarier when they are all dolled up in their make-up. Besides apart from outside of circuses, McDonalds, and kids parties you are not likely to meet one of these in the wild.
Nuns are different, they are the ultimate camouflaged predator, and they look all nicey nice. They act as though they are out to help others, but once they get their wrinkly old hands on you, that’s it you are doomed. DOOMED I tell you Doomed!
Do you know what makes that white bit of their habit white? Your soul, have you noticed that some Nuns have different colours? That’s just the level of absorbed souls. With white indicating that a Nun is fully charged. Once they are in that state of being there is no chance to defeat them. Unstoppable, armed with a laser powered crucifix, your only hope of survival is to run, throw others at their feet, but whatever you do don’t let them talk to you.
But Jim surely this is all just the ramblings of a mad man? No it’s not here is some evidence.
THE BLUES BROTHERS
No matter what your opinions on religion are, there is no way that a daughter of God should take this much pleasure or pride in battering two defenceless men. Look at her face, she is in rapture every time she hits one of them.
At least this nun didn’t try and hide her true form. At least we know this psycho female is out to kill each and every one of the poor kids in this film. I mean come on we all make mistakes, there is no need to come back from the dead for revenge, just because some kids killed you. Surely that’s your fault for looking like a nun in the first place.
MARIA - SOUND OF MUSIC
Don’t be fooled by her happy clappy demeanour, she is evil. A family trying to keep out of the Nazi’s spotlight and she goes around singing her lungs out all over the countryside. That’s pure evil. You might not be aware of this but when a Nun feeds of a soul that has just killed someone else it gives them the power to fly. This whole film was based around Maria getting the power of flight.
ARMCHAIR THRILLER – QUIET AS A NUN
Now this is where it get real. This is the patient zero of my primal fear. It was this Nun that first opened my eyes to the true nature of these avatars of evil. I first saw this as a young boy it made me wet the bed then and I’m sure if I ever have the courage to watch it again will make me do it all over again. Go and watch the clip I dare you. Christ even thinking about it sends a shiver down my spine. It was this nun who lived under my bed, my mum had to get down on her hands and knees every night and make her promise not to kill me. On the plus side the Nun did make Dracula and the White Lady, who also lived under my bed, find a new place of residence. It’s always better to have only one monster under the bed. The last thing you need is a monster under the bed party to contend with.
For a while I had forgotten about my fear of Nuns and the truth about their intentions. That was until that day which shall from this point on be forever known as Nunday. We were staying at Amanda’s mother’s house. We had just sold our house and were waiting to move into our new one. It turned out that her mother’s house was directly across the road from a disused Convent, a fact which no one had bothered to tell me. Or indeed the two nuns who decided to knock on the door hoping to use the phone. I answered the door, and not just in my underpants as would normally be the case (don’t you just hate having to be smart at other people’s houses), only to find the pair of them standing on the doorstep, all toothy smiling. BAM! The memories and the long forgotten truth about them came flooding back. I went into shock, all the blood drained from my face, I started to shake, and blubber. Frozen to the spot unable to move or call out for help, I swear to this day I saw them both lick their lips with glee. Thankfully, Amanda who has now spent the better part of twenty one years saving my arse was there to save me. She had witnessed my fit and came to see what was going on, dragging me into the house and making some excuse she shut the door on the two nuns. Amanda says this part of it is nonsense but I know I didn't imagine it, one of the Nuns said this as the door closed
“We are going to get you fat boy and we are going to suck your soul dry”
You would think that after all of this I would steer clear of all things Nunnery, a wise man would. Yet here I am strangely excited about reading the latest novel Angel Manor from my favourite Dutch author, the rather splendid Chantal Noordeloos . As you can tell from the cover this going to be a book that might require me to wear a man sized nappy. Yet read it I shall because Chantal is a brilliant writer, one who knows the truth about Nuns as well.
So there it is folks the truth about these demons be wary, be careful they are out there waiting, hunting and devouring your soul.
A beautiful house – with a dark and deadly secret.
When Freya inherits her mother’s childhood home, she sees it as an opportunity. A chance for a new life with her best friends, as they convert the crumbling mansion into an exclusive hotel.
Instead, they’ll be lucky to escape with their lives.
As the first hammers tear through the bricked up entrances, a dark, terrible and ancient evil stirs beneath the house. An evil that has already laid claim to Freya and her companions’ souls.
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